Sadaam Hanged

So Sadaam was hanged today. The strange thing to me about all this is that us Americans are almost cheering his death. Here is a man who did nothing to us (plenty to Iraqis though) and yet we cheer his hanging as if it was him who carried out the 9/11 attacks *cough cough*. Sigh...

Thanks Cindy...

...for the cool quote. I'd never heard it before until I read it tonight.

***

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom, you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

The Declaration of Non-Interest -Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from The Invitation

Wacky Dream

Alright all you dream analysts out there, tell me what you think about THIS one!

So the dream starts on a moving train, I am there to meet my wife from an arranged marriage for the first time. I meet her, and somehow we are totally enamored with each other. She's short-ish, brown hair, and is wearing a black dress with white polka dots all over it. We talk to eachother for a bit then I say I'm going to get us some food from the dining car. When I come back she is asleep in our bed (we have a sleeper room you see) and I join her.

When we wake up we are at our honeymoon destination (viva Las Vegas baby!). However, this is where things go awry. As we're driving to our hotel on a windy road through ravines lined with steep cliffs and big boulders, I find myself falling asleep at the wheel and having a hard time controlling the vehicle. Eventually I have to pull over because I'm so damned tired and ask her to drive the rest of the way. She says sure, but ends up she's an awful driver who can't go faster than a few miles per hour (who knows). Eventually, I decide I'll just take a nap and then drive us the rest of the way.

When I wake up from my nap however, I'm in the woods off the side of the road, and standing about ten feet away is a non aggressive mountain lion. Of course I'm scared but then relax when the lion starts walking off. Why? Because he hears the sound of my wife yelling profanities at me for being such a lousy driver and not getting us to Vegas, blah blah blah.

POOF! I wake up thinking what the hell was that? And she was so nice too! Oh well, who knows what my brain was trying to tell me with that dream, is all so very strange you see.

Happy Bday Weird Al

Today was his 47th bday, and in honor of the day I post one of my favorite Weird Al songs and music videos. Enjoy!

***

66 dead Iraqis and 3 more dead American soldiers. It makes me sad to think that this war has just become a body count. Is it the only way to get people to see the injustice and crime in this war? The sheer amount of dead in this conflict?

Iraq = Manhattan

So apparently, Baghdad and the rest of Iraq is no worse than Manhattan.

***

King: Conditions on the ground are different than what you see on television.—As we go through the city of Baghdad, it was like being in Manhattan. I’m talking about bumper to bumper traffic. Talking about shopping centers, talking about restaurants, talking about video stores, talking about guys–on the street corner, talking about major hotels. And so, at that moment, people must be amazingly resilient and you would never know that there was a war going on…

…in Mosul—I remember seeing news reports about roller coasters. Where you had two or three parking lots filled with their cars on a Sunday afternoon. Again, that’s not something you’d see on television, and at any given time a suicide bombers can walk into an amusement center, but the point I’m making is that the situation is more stable than you think….

***

This is from the ass clown Republican representative King in NY. So somehow, the fact that 11 American soldiers have died in the last 24 hours, and that 40 to 60 bodies are found EVERY day with signs of mutilation, torture, and execution, somehow this shows me that its JUST like Manhattan. What an ass...

Imagine for a moment, especially you New Yorkers, but just imagine for a moment what it would be like if a dozen police officers were killed every day. Imagine if the bodies of dozens of residents were found every day, bloodies and mutilated, tortured and then executed. Imagine if car bombs went off multiple times a day in public spaces killing innocent people and destroying homes and businesses. Happens in every major American city right? *barf*

And yet despite this, the crooks who control our government continue to send our men and women halfway accross the globe without a mission, without a plan, without adequate equipment, and without any support. They expect us to continue to support them? Oh I forgot, we're traitors if we don't, we are emboldening the terrorists if we dare to speak out against the establishment of the last six years.

Someone I know is having their brother sent overseas into this hellhole. God be with them and I pray that they will come back safely.

Great poem

I saw this on PBS two nights ago, thought I'd share it. It's a great poem.

***

For the Love of the Game

by Allison Joseph

Give me a man with a quick first step, with court vision that takes in all of me, a man who can play in the paint, score from all over, finding my perimeter, a man who can drive my lane. Give me a man who makes his free throws, ready to shoot two whenever I demand. My interior defense isn’t tough to crack, I’m wide open, and I can handle the ball. I don’t care for monster dunks, for slam-jam-thank-you-ma’am. I’d rather have a man who can teach me the delicate technique of the finger-roll, a man who doesn’t bang the boards but knows how to rebound, how to come from behind, an assist leader, a shooter, a penetrator, a man who knows how to stay out of foul trouble, hands off the opposing team’s cheerleaders. I want this madness to last much longer than March, to stage endless tournaments on a court not polished but rumpled, a sweaty site where the pairings are known, the brackets full, championships staged whenever we feel the need for a fast break, bodies colliding under the basket.

Copyright © Allison Joseph

Uncle

My "uncle" Amos died last week. He died of Parkinson's disease which he suffered from over fifteen years. I call him my "uncle" because I hardly ever met him. By the time I was seven years old he was already in a nursing home, I only have vague memories of him being pretty sick in my aunt's house in Israel. What do I call him, my uncle? He was my aunt's husband and my cousins' father, but not related to me by blood. I don't know.

I don't know how to feel about this. Is there a certain way I'm supposed to feel? I will call my aunt to wish her condolences, but she'll know it doesn't mean all that much. But anyways, I'm a little confused about all of this.

Tasteless Jokes

I apologize in advance to anybody I may offend with these. With that out of the way...

***

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.

What's worse than a worm in your apple? The holocaust.

Don't make fun of the holocaust. My grandfather died at Auschwitz. He got drunk and fell out of the guardtower.

What do elephants use for vibrators? Epileptics.

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the abuse shelter? The dishes. (just kidding =P)

What is a jew doing with an ashtray? Watching his family album.

A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench when they spot two kids. The priest says, "Lets screw those two kids." The rabbi responds, "Out of what?"

And finally, because I think this is fucking hysterical no matter how little sense it makes...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HlT7rIJchEs

(I'm having issues with the link, copy it into your browser, I promise its worth it =P)

Brrrrrr

Well, its going to get unusally cold for middle of october in the next couple of days.... even a chance for snow! Probably won't happen, but I like the prospect. So definitely looking forward to bundling up the next couple of days.

Something that is possibly one of the most frustrating things that I just can't deal with is when people don't listen. Two things actually, those who don't listen, and hypocrisy. Its not fair for someone to say, "You're not listening to me!" but then go so far as to be rude and in your face and completely ignore what I have to say. I don't ask that people agree with me, I don't demand that they change their mind, and I don't expect them to even say wonderful things about me. Just show me some respect, listen to what I have to say, and that's good enough for me.

Is that asking too much?

Peace

Ok, I'm a little bit more at peace now. I found the following quote, I think its really good.

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."

Who said it? The brilliant man on the left. Awww, look at him snoggling that little child. At least we can assume he wasn't molesting that kid, not like the leaders of our COUNTRY!! Sorry, had to get that out of my system.

I heard some good news today. A friend of mine is going to get married. Well, next summer he will, but he got a ring (its a nice one, I saw it today) and is going to propose to her soon. I am glad for him, but also wish I was in that sort of position. He seems real genuine and his love for her seems genuine as well, so I think this is a good decision for him even at his young age. Wouldn't that be nice? I wish I could love somebody like that, like I used to. It would be great to dedicate my life to being a good and loving husband and father. I'm weird, I'm only 23, but it would be great.

In other news, I think yesterday was our last day of summer, it was something like 90 degrees. I can't wait for cool weather, maybe even some.... *gasp*.... SNOW! So exciting, I want to wake up tomorrow morning and see a thin blanket of pristine white snow covering everything outside. Nice huh?

Yuck

Wow, so much shit going on today and it just brought me down. Usually all this kind of stuff doesn't, but tonight I'm just bummer out because of it.

First, there is the Foley scandal. Here is a fifty two year old married man who was sending sexually explicit emails and instant messages to a sixteen year old page. At least he had the balls to resign when it was found out he was doing this, and checked himself into a clinic right away. This shows to me that despite how awful and disgusting what he did was, he seems to regret it and also admits that he has a problem. HOWEVER, what disgusts me the most is that the GOP leadership knew about this for ten months, and didn't take the proper steps to reprimand him or even the proper steps to protect other congressional pages from Foley's actions. They apparently had known for up to five years that he was suspect to this sort of behavior, and did nothing about it. That.... makes... me... sick.

Second, there was the Pennsylvania school shooting. The third deadly school shooting of the week involved a 35 year old man going into a one room amish school, letting all the boys out, tying up all the girls and summarily executing them. Four are dead and eight are seriously wounded. This is some seriously fucked up shit and just makes me sad. Apparently he had planned it out as well, coming to the school with supplies to deal with a siege. Then to end it, the man took his own life. Why did he do this? Apparently it was revenge for something that happened to him twenty years ago. But why the Amish, who apparently had nothing to do with this incident? Because he thought it would be easier and make for easier targets. Sick.... fucker...

Third, in Baghdad today twenty bodies were found apparently having been kidnapped and murdered, with signs of torture and mutilation. Three more marines died as the death toll climbs closer to three thousand. One of my coworker's brothers is going to be deployed there soon and I cant imagine what it must be like to think about that, especially with a family member. That place is going further into the shithole and our men and women are stuck there with no way out. Fucking brilliant huh?

Well looks like I'm done with my rant. What a monday huh? Fuck...

First Day at School

Well, what an exciting day! Today was a lot of firsts.

It was the first day in uniform, which all of my pieces miraculously fit. It was also the first day at Dvorak Elementary, we got to see our classroom for the first time. The school is very nice, much nicer than any elementary school I went to growing up. The kids were so excited to see us today, and the teachers seemed genuinely happy to see us there despite the events of last year. Most of the day was dedicated to community mapping which was a good thing to do being my first time in North Lawndale. There are a lot of resources we will be able to work with.

We then came back to the office and had the jacket ceremony which moved me. It was simply amazing hearing what everbody said, and I have about a million thoughts about it running through my head about it. I will post about that specifically later when I am able to gather all my thoughts.

More to come later, probably over the weekend.

Blarg

I hate to be anybody's attention whore, but does anybody read my blog? Just wondering, because if I don't have an audience I don't really feel so inclined to share this stuff. Lemme (intentionally spelled like that) know people. I do like doing this though... so yea.

I will update hopefully tonight if I still have internet access. I have an idea for a post but it will take some time to formulate, like a complicated differential equation on the final exam in college (YUCK).

Inspiration

I need some inspiration. Sure, my job is cool and I like the people I'm working with. My roommates are neat and I've made some cool friends. But there's something missing, and I'm not sure what it is. Maybe the retreat at Algonquin will help me find that something? Maybe actually getting to the schools and working in the communities will give that to me? Maybe just getting what I want will do that? I'm not sure.

In any case, this horrible cold I've got right now sure isn't helping the situation. I am looking forward to that big pot of chicken soup that will be created tomorrow afternoon, it will be deeeelish (I hope). Oh, and I opened up the jar of homemade strawberry preserves and tasted it for the first time, it was delicious. The texture needs fixing, I overcooked it so it was very thick. Josh says he likes it that way, but I think I'll cook it less next time so that its more spreadable. But the flavor is just right, I am happy with that.

Well, peace everybody.

Doing squishy things

I did something today that made me very nervous and put me WAY out of my comfort zone, and I'm very glad I did. I'm trying this new thing in my life where I do stuff out of the ordinary from me, both to broaden my horizons and to make me more comfortable with myself and how other people accept me.

They needed six volunteers to go "upstage" and read stuff but doing impersonations. Well one was George W. Bush, and I ended up getting that (volunteered for it actually). It was a blast! So much fun, I cracked a little joke at the beginning about Karl Rove and his nickname Turd Blossom. Then putting on a nervous little Texas accent I proceeded to be a bumbling Dubya, mispronouncing words, skipping some, and finishing off with a "God Bless Y'all and God Bless America". The best (I thought) was when I read "And BTA, the T of course stands for terror" got a real laugh out of the audience.

But I was shaking so hard! I was so nervous, but why? I'd spoken in front of people before, performed on the piano, etc. I LOVED the sound of people laughing at me, but not at ME, laughing at my jokes, laughing at my writing that I had come up with. I was so clever! This was powerful, a way to please people and to manipulate their feelings for a very brief time. It was fun in a twisted kind of way.

The next step? I want to do a routine for the variety show during BTR, maybe either a joke or a Victor Borge sketch that I've done before.

Have a great week anybody who's reading this.

Listening

"At first, onstage and in life, I didn't really know what relating was. And listening was more a kind of waiting than anything else. I talk and then you talk. And then I listen for when I get to talk again. But relating, I came to understand, happens not just while I"m talking; it also happens while you're talking, and in between.

...When I started out as an actor, I thought, Here's what I have to say; how shall I say it? On M*A*S*H, I began to understand that what I do in the scene is not as important as what happens between me and the other person. And listening is what lets it happen. It's almost always the other person who causes you to say what you say next. You don't have to figure out how you'll say it. You have to listen so simply, so innocently, that the othe rperson brings about a change in you that makes you say it and informs the way you say it.

The difference between listening and pretending to listen, I discovered, is enormous. One is fluid, the other is rigid. One is alive, the other is stuffed. Eventually, I found a radical way of thinking about listening. Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you. When I'm willing to let them change me, something happens between us that's more interesting than a pair of dueling monologues. Like so much of what I learned in the theater, this turned out to be how life works, too." - Alan Alda, Never Have Your Dog Stuffed

(the emphasis is mine)

Those are some pretty smart words from a wise man. I wish I had been able to have this state of mind back over the summer when I was going through some personal problems. It would have saved me a lot of grief and trouble, but I guess I had to learn it somehow.

A Beautiful Mind

How did this movie win best picture? I watched it tonight, and its not really all that good. The script isn't that great, the lines are cliche, and the story isn't even an accurate representation of John Nash's life. I don't really know what the message of the movie is, or the main idea of the story. It is unclear.

So, what were the other movies that year?

- Gosford Park
- In the Bedroom *
- Lord of the Rings
- Moulin Rouge

(* I didn't see that one)

The other movies were better, at least the ones I saw. I especially liked Moulin Rouge, I thought it was a very original idea for a movie. Then again, I've noticed that eithe rpeople really really liked that movie, or just plain hated it.

Don't know why I'm saying all this.

Mill on Censorship

A great quote I saw online this morning:

***

"The peculiar evil of silencing the expression of an opinion is, that it is robbing the human race; posterity as well as the existing generation; those who dissent from the opinion, still more than those who hold it. If the opinion is right, they are deprived the opportunity of exchanging error for truth: if wrong, they lose, what is almost a great benefit, the clearer perception and livlier impression of truth, produced by its collision with error." - John Stuart Mill, On Liberty, 1859

WOW! Third Post!

Ok, this is too much. The excitement is probably killing everybody! Three posts in one day?? I've gone totally overboard and have officially lost my marbles. What could be so exciting that I would post three times in one day, NO, in one NIGHT??

Well, I heard a really good bluegrass song today that I wanted to share, so enjoy!

***

Nothin' Special

3:11

Mark Walton - Log Cabin Publishing (BMI)

You've heard a life of luxury is every girl’s dream

Lookin’ for a millionaire to build her self esteem

But my interest don't fall in monetary desires

Just a steady dose of passion baby's all I require

CHORUS:

Nothin’ special

I'll take what you've got and be satisfied

Nothin’ special

Don’t claim to be greedy or dignified

Nothin’ special

All I need is you here by my side

Nothin’ special

Nothin’ special for me

Don't need no pearls or no diamond rings

No trips to Paris for a weekend fling

Just your sweet kiss is all that you need to bring

Cause honey I'm not into all those fancy things

CHORUS

You can keep your lavish parties with your caviar

No need for modern fashions or a brand new car

No fancy mansions with my breakfast in bed,

Just satisfy my hunger with your loving instead.

CHORUS

Don't need a shrink to tell me what I'm feeling inside

Honey give me half a chance and I'll let you decide

I'm no women’s lib but Lord I sure ain’t no slave

Your warm and tender body is the only thing I crave

***

This song is perfect, it says it all. That's all a guy really wants, compaionship and some lovin'. Its not that complicated really, I'll certify to it one hundred percent.

Flatulence (post 2)

Wow, two posts in one day, exciting.

I was just reminiscing about the past today at work when we were talking about family cultures and traditions. One of the things that I always used to thing was unique about my family was our complete lack of dignity when it came to bodily functions. It wasn't just that we burped or farted around eachother, my siblings and I used to compete for top honors. Early on in our lives we couldn't even come close to the depth of my dad's burps, not to mention the stench of his farts (which to this day I don't know if I can top). And yet my sisters and I would have unofficial "burp-offs" in the hallway, which my older sister clearly holds the title for. Whenever she comes home, we know that things are back to normal when while sitting in the living room, we can almost feel the walls tremble as she unleashes the burp that signals the arrival to her room.

Farting on the other hand, me and my sister would love to run into eachother's rooms, fart, and run off laughing with the hope that we had left a stinky one. Now if we had already farted in our own rooms and smelled the nature of the beast, the nastier it was the better, and thus we had a more potent weapon. Of course we're just children (and still are pretty immature when it comes to this) so we don't really get mad at eachother, but its agonzingly hilarious when we really get a it, say after a good hearty meal of mexican food.

The funniest memories I have would be when the family would be sitting in the living room watching TV or a movie, and we don't hear the fart but the smell creeps into our nose and makes our brains do a double take, cause we certainly didn't see anyone on the T.V. screen fart. We all start looking at eachother, except for my dad who is sitting there chuckling to himself quietly and a red hue slowly spreading across his face. My mom would smack him with a pillow and act disgusted, my older sister would pinch her nose and screw up her face, and of course me and my little sister would start laughing hysterically. Now that we have a dog, my dad will try to blame it on her but we know how far from the truth that is.

And that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

Uncontrolled Emotions

Today on the train I was reading Alan Alda's autobiography "Never Have Your Dog Stuffed". There was a story in there where his parents sent him to military boarding school at age seven. During his stay there, they sent him not one, but TWO balls to play with. The other boys having noticed this, took one of them and then tried to take the second one by force. Suddenly, little Alan, who never got into a fight in his life or even hit somebody violently, found himself so upset and so full of rage that these older kids were trying to bully him. Next thing he knows he's on top of this kid punching him all over.

He recalls how he never knew that he had such emotions in him and he didn't know what brought it up. Was it the stress of boarding school? Did the bully bring it out? What combination of stuff got him to react like that? Or was it just human nature, the instinct to defend oneself?

This got me thinking about stuff that I do and ways that I behave. Sometimes I act and behave in ways that I am ashamed of, but I don't do it on purpose. I may distrust somebody, I might say something that hurts another person, or when frustrated I may lash out in anger. The last thing goes against what I stand for, its not me. So why do I do it? Why is that sometimes a way I react to stress and frustration? I don't know if its a fair thing to say because it ends up sounding like I'm making excuses for the way I act. But is also sensible to say that I can control my emotions 100%?

I don't like how I sometimes react to situations. I conciously try to treat people with kindness and respect even if they don't return it to me. And yet I find myself acting stupid, being mean, letting anger control my actions. The worst part about it is that I only find this out after the fact and by then the damage is done. So I guess I have to keep telling myself to be concious about how I act and how I treat people.

My mother always used to tell me, "Think before you open your mouth." On one hand this was really good advice and helped me to avoid saying both stupid and hurtful things. On the other hand, this often held me back from just saying what I felt and being honest, as well as taking risks. It is tough to find a good balance, as well as being in complete concious control of ones self.

Maybe that's what enlightenment/nirvana is. The ability to be in complete control of one's self and the actions that one does. Therefore, with that complete control, you are one hundred percent responsible for the reality that you create around you through your actions. I clearly have not reached that sort of point of personal responsibility since I still find myself acting on undiscovered emotions and instincts, those which I am slowly growing to understand.

I wish I could figure it out sooner and quicker, yet I have to be patient and let growth occur through experience. I hate how people I have relationships with suffer when I do mean things, and I love how they have the capacity to forgive and understand. I suppose that its all just part of human nature.

Ok.... rambling done.

First day of work...

So tomorrow I start my first real day of work. It's about damn time. I'm excited and quite nervous, but the more I read up through the manual the more I feel like this is the right thing for me to do and perfect for what I want in my life right now. I hope it goes well.

I also am worried about a personal matter, I don't know if I made a terrible mistake involving a friend. It might just be me over analyzing the situation, but I can't help it.

Fortune Cookies

Gotta love fortune cookies, especially when you add "... in bed" to the end of them. Take these examples from this afternoon...

- "Concentration leads to success... in bed."

- "You are altruistic and will be involved in many humanitarian projects... in bed."

- "Investigate new possibilities with friends. Now is the time!... in bed."

- "Giving is not an exact science, it is an art... in bed."

- "You have a great deal of energy and self reliance... in bed."

- "Investigate the new opportunity that will soon become an option... in bed."

and from my own personal fortune cookie...

- "You may find your horizons suddenly broadened... in bed."

Funny stuff, hope you enjoyed it =)

So dad...

I've always wanted to know, but I don't know how to approach the subject. My father has fought in three wars but I've never asked him about it.

"Uhhh dad, tell me all about your experiences. Where did you fight? When did you fight? What unit were you in? Did you kill anybody? Did any of your mates get killed? Did you get wounded? What effect did it have on you?"

and on... and on... and on...

Is it ok? Should I open it up with him? I'm really curious and I don't know how to approach it.

Funny joke

A joke from "A Prarie Home Companion" on NPR:

- A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man needs every woman to satisfy his one need.

Hyuk hyuk hyuk. Actually, I definitely got a good laugh out of it when I heard it on the radio.

Story anyone?

Ok, so I've gotten some amusing responses to my story about the girl on the train. Let me clarify, that it is just a story =P I'm not some stalking, obsessive guy. I've had numerous people tell me it reminds them of that song "You're Beautiful" which I HATE with a passion. It was just something that popped into my head, honest, I swear. Anyways, I'm glad it illicited (sounds like the right word) such a response, I suppose that's what I was going after when I wrote it late one night.

I watched a blind man miss a scaffolding with his stick and walk face first into it the other day. I stopped and helped him out while he recovered and talked to him and then we went our separate ways. Well, a bible-thumper stopped me after seeing this and our conversation went something like this.

- "Jesus?"
- "Huh?"
- "Jesus?" (holds out a flier)
- "Oh, no thanks."
- "What, don't you believe?"
- "No." (stuck at the intersection because the light is red)
- "Cause what you did right there, helping out that guy, that was Jesus."
- "Uhhh.... ok."
- "I mean, what if you stabbed somebody?"
- "Huh? I'm not going to stab anybody"
- "Ugh, just listen. Ok ok, what if somebody were to stab you, would you like that?"
- "Clearly not"
- "Exactly! Jesus wouldn't stab people too." (starting to get in my face with his flier)
- "Alright, alright." (finding no escape, I take his flier to get him to shutup)
- "That's the spirit of Jesus my friend! Thank you, thank you."
(I take his flier without bothering to look at it, finally cross the street, and toss it into the trashcan)

Special huh?

Anyways, more coming tonight in my exciting and special life. =)

Always hungry...

Here I am, 5' 10" and weighing barely 135 lbs. and I'm always hungry! And I eat too, just last night I had two dinners. At around ten o'clock, Josh and Ben made spaghetti, so I chipped in and made a whole bunch of cheesy garlic bread and then had my second dinner. And oh man was it goood. At the same time, I feel like my pants are sitting even more lose than usual on me, so maybe I need to start eating more. I have to really budget my food allowance well, but I think I'm doing a decent job of it.

So here's the garlic cheesy toast I made yesterday...

- 12 slices day old sourdough bread
- 12 thin pats of butter
- garlic powder
- black pepper
- salt
- red pepper flakes
- shredded cheddar cheese

1. Spread the butter on each piece of bread.
2. Top with garlic powder, pepper, salt, and as much red pepper as you like spiciness
3. Put under broiler in oven for a couple minutes until butter is melted, then cover with cheese
4. Remove from oven when cheese is slightly brown and bubbly. Enjoy! (be warned, its very hot)

Deeeeelish!

The girl on the train

The girl on the train

I finish my run for groceries and run down the stairs of the station, hurrying for I can hear the sound of a train and hope that it is approaching and not departing. Alas I am mistaken and will have to wait, but apparently so will the girl who is so engrossed in her book that she has also missed the train. I think the name of the book was “The Overachievers”, and suddenly I was very interested in it because she was also.

She is a pretty girl, but not in that revealing sort of show-lots-of-skin way. In fact, she looked like she has just gotten off work and is wearing a rather professional outfit. Without trying to be creepy and obnoxious, I catch a glance of her here and there as I pace back and forth waiting. She is tall, about my height and average weight. Short, straight, brown hair curling outwards at the tips rests atop her head, which is topped with large sunglasses. Around her neck lays one of those fake but simple pearl necklaces, not the gaudy sort, and yet it contributes greatly to her aura. Her big brown eyes complement her slightly dark skin and her lips are upturned at the corners in an ever so slight smile as she mouths the words of her book silently to herself while reading.

We get on the next train at the same car, and I sit next to her. “How’s your book?” I inquire. She replies with a wry smile showing her perfect white teeth, “Very interesting, do you like to read?” She has a slightly guilty look on her face as if she has just been caught posing, but her intriguing nature still pulls me in. Her voice has a hint of some South American accent, from where I can’t pinpoint. “I love to read, books stir my imagination,” I genuinely respond. From there, we continue with a witty, intelligent conversation and she is not bothered by my intrusion into her personal space for the ride home. For the fifteen minutes until my stop, we are both comfortable and chatty, and as I get off at my station she leaves me with a bewitching smile and her phone number. As the train pulls away with her on it and me left behind at the station, I take a deep breath and can’t help keep a big smile creep across my face. I walk home and my step is lighter than it has been in a while, all because of this alluring stranger I have just become acquainted with.

…and back to reality…

Actually, I didn’t say a thing to her. I didn’t catch a glance of her teeth, I don’t know what her voice sounded like, and I definitely didn’t get her phone number. For all I know, she could have been a total nutcase with really bad breath and a laugh that could get the rust of a car bumper. So the extent of my relationship with her was eight minutes of a train ride we shared and an occasional glance in her direction. It was fun to imagine though.

A reflection

Reflection

I believe that love can make a difference. Yea, I know it sounds real cliché, but I believe it to be true. I would rather live in a world where people’s actions were dominated by feelings of love and compassion rather than what appears to be a world of hate and violence

When I was nineteen, I wanted to get married. Not necessarily right then, but at the time I was dating a wonderful girl who I had been friends with since I was twelve years old. Everything felt so right, it was my first serious relationship, and there was a lot of love there. We had even talked about it between us, late one night standing outside in the street during a cold drizzle holding one another in our arms talking about the future. Together we spoke of the small house, the big yard, the dog (or more than one even), and growing gray and wrinkled together while the breeze shifted the wet pine needles above us. It all seemed so right and we didn’t doubt it at the time.

Then a few months later, thanksgiving came around and she broke up with me. What was it that I had done? Was I not accepting enough of her? Was I not accepting enough of her feelings? Bingo. Apart from my father, I was the only other male in my family; no male cousins, uncles, or grandfathers. Even the family friends I grew up with had, you guessed it, only daughters! Combined with having only sisters and numerous female friends growing up, I thought that surely I understood women and what went through their head. Wow, was I ever a naïve college youth. Will I ever be able to realize women completely and truthfully? I hope so.

So we went our separate ways across the country and moved on with our lives, met and dated other people, and matured and progressed within ourselves. Reflecting now on those days, it would have been a mistake to get married so young with hardly any life experiences under the belt I wore to keep pants on my wiry waist. Dealing with problems within the relationships of my family and still trying to find my calling and my future, a limited metamorphosis was occurring within me and I didn’t even know it was occurring. Yet even now as I write this, I recognize it was for good. In the following years, I changed to become a different person than I was when I graduated high school and am grateful for that and the things I accomplished, as well as being grateful for the failures I experienced for the lessons I learned from them.

What is it then that I ultimately seek when I look for a woman? I look for love and compassion, kindness and respect, a sort of emotional capacity that often times I find I lack myself and hope through a companion can be gained in my life. There is a desire within me to have somebody to be there to tell me both when I’ve done right or wrong, been equitable or unfair, been honest or immoral. Often times it’s very difficult to have self-improvement when one doesn’t have a moral coach outside of the self.

Mostly, what I desire is to be able to have a true form of altruism within myself, a desire to live for somebody else with a slow burning passion. I want the desire to improve myself so that I can make somebody else’s life more clear and beautiful. What could be a greater form of humanity than to dedicate one’s life to somebody else?

(inspired by “This I Believe”)

Thoughts on War

This afternoon I spent my time watching the performances at the Chicago Air show. It was a fun even with lots of incredible stunts performed ranging from antique World War II fighter planes to the Blue Angels. One thing struck me though and stuck in my mind. At one point, the announcers were saying, nearly boasting, about how the C-5 cost about $400,000 dollars just to refuel. What is the role of the C-5? To transport military material to war zones to use in causing mass destruction. How could $400,000 be better used for the people of this country? I can think of a myriad of ways.

I am a pacifist, and damn proud of it. I believe that war is a terrible thing and should be avoided at all costs and that rarely is there such a thing as a just war. I read in one of Kurt Vonnegut’s books (don’t remember which) that he believed that there has been no just American war since World War II, a war which he himself proudly fought in. Thinking about it further, this is a sentiment that I believe as well. Now this country has betrayed the very foundation of its democratic ideals by starting a preemptive war against a nation and its people that faced no danger to us.

War is a terrible, dirty, destructive event. It destroys lives and tears apart families. It kills young men, women, and children and physically destroys their communities. It poisons the environment beyond repair and leaves behind a scar that can take generations to heal over. And all for what? To show which nation’s men have bigger penises? It appears to me no mystery why all or our guns, bombs, planes, rockets, and missiles are all shaped like penises. How is a soldier shown to be more important? By having more penises on his uniform.

There has never been a “clean” war where civilians weren’t affected. A “precision” bomb may take out its intended target, but why do we need 2000 kg. of explosives to do so? An artillery piece may help keep our soldiers on the ground safe by taking out the enemy from afar, but can we say indiscriminate shelling is an honest, clean way of fighting? I’d like to think that we fight cleaner wars than they did hundreds and thousands of years ago when they used to burn down entire cities and wipe out entire populations, but we’re not really. Cities in Vietnam and Iraq with nearly their entire populations had been decimated and destroyed in our unclear efforts against an unclear enemy.

Chicken hawks control our country and send our young men and women off to die for purposes that are not clear to the very citizens they are supposed to represent. These people have not been in war and seen its traumatic and destructive results, and yet they so easily push for armed conflict around the world in their own interests. Rarely do you find an experienced combat veteran of a prior war (Iraq I, Vietnam, Korea, and WWII) lead its people so enthusiastically to conflict. A warrior is not an offensive or deplorable person to be, but the noblest kind of warrior is one who understands his power and is reluctant to use it. He understands his responsibilities and the results of his actions and therefore strives to use his power to bring peace and understanding between conflicting parties. The easy path for a warrior to take, the one that lacks courage, is to resort to violence as a first solution or to decide ahead of time that violent action will be the ultimate answer to a crisis.

Dwight Eisenhower was a great warrior for our country during World War II and later became president. He said the following:

"I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its stupidity."

and...

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children."

And...

"All of us have heard this term 'preventative war' since the earliest days of Hitler. I recall that is about the first time I heard it. In this day and time... I don't believe there is such a thing; and, frankly, I wouldn't even listen to anyone seriously that came in and talked about such a thing."

AND...

“We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.”

Its saddens me to see how clairvoyant he was. Half of our current budget goes towards “Defense” while people starve, lose their jobs, and remain sick without any hope. Is this what our great country has become?

I will say that I have an exception to what I said above, and that is concerning the war in the Balkans. It may have been too late, but by fighting that war as part of an international community, we probably saved thousands of lives in the ethnic cleansing that was already occurring. This should have been done in Rwanda, it should be done in Darfur, and it should be done in any other country where genocide and wholesale slaughter of civilians is happening. Especially as a Jew, I find it troubling when good people stand by and do nothing as thousands upon thousands of people are murdered when their only “transgression” was being born onto this earth.

Wow

Ok, so its been like a month since I last updated my blog. Bad me, oh well. So much to tell...

First, I moved to Chicago and am living in a nice place in a decent neighborhood. I have some cool neighbors and some plain dumbass ones as well. I've explored Chicago quite a bit and its a cool city, I especially love the free concerts in Millenium park, going to be sad when those end. Just last night I went to a South African Jazz concert for over two hours, it was some great music.

I spent about ten days at home in California for personal reasons and to be with my family. That was cool since I hadn't seen them since January, although my mom did come and visit me in Urbana for a couple days before I moved to Chicago. Tula is getting fat! It doesn't help that she's one of the laziest dogs I know and that hardly any of them goes on walks with her. Oh well... I also want to get some sort of small pet. I'm thinking a rodent or snake of some sort. Something with fur that won't have a hard time during the winter months here in Chicago. Reptiles might not fare so well now that I think about it (i.e. snakes, lizards). A hedgehog would be pretty neat.

Last week I was at Camp Quality Illinois. It was a camp for kids who either had cancer or were going through treatment for it (chemo, drugs, surgery, etc.). It was AMAZING. I could go on and on about it so I think I will save that for another post, maybe even next time I update my blog (hmmmmm, now you know you're interested).

By the way, is anybody reading this? =P

In other news, my first roommate moved in and he's cool, although a bit eccentric (in a good way mind you). Its much better than a normal old boring roommate. His name is Josh and he's eighteen years old, just having graduated from high school. He's taking some time off and spending the year doing CityYear.

As I sit here in the library, using the internet which I don't yet have at home, there's a guy accross from me who keeps snarking up the nastiest loogies and spitting them at range into the trashcan that's a good few feet away from him. It's DISGUSTING. Just last week I sat next to a guy at another computer who spent his alloted hour looking at porn. And security didn't do anything about it! I probably should have gone up to them and said something, meh...

Alright folks, that's all I can think of right now.

Some thoughts

Please read my thoughts on the following situation. I am so frustrated and so pissed with how things are going in this country, that I just don't know what to think anymore.

Newsletter thing is going on the backburner because I have no internet in Chicago and have enough stuff to deal with right now (plus lack of patience with it). Nobody has shown any interest and I'm losing interest with it as well.

Newsletter anyone?

So my girlfriend gave me this brilliant idea to start... a newsletter! Uhhh, so I wouldn't really call it a newsletter, I don't really know what to call it. Its kind of goofy, but I thought I'd give it a try. So I present to you the grand opening... or first edition, or whatever you call it for newspaper thingies. =)

Netminder Gazette

I need contributions! If anybody wants to contribute, and I mean anything, please send it my way! This is a peasly little thing right now, just a one pager. But I want other people to contribute and to get a wide variety of opinionis and articles. Thanks!

The future of the Military-Industrial Complex

So I’ve been reading this book and its given me some new insight or thoughts as to the role of the U.S. Military and what I think it should be. Since I cannot link it, I will write it here. It may seem a bit fragmented since I’m trying to collect bits and pieces of it from throughout the book.

***

The following are comments by the character Senator Kenneth Yamakoa, Presidential Candidate and Decorated Vietnam War Veteran (volunteer). He is a third generation Japanese-American running on the Democratic ticket.

“War, I believe, is an extreme measure to which we must resort when the American people and their land face foreign invasion. It is an instance where the fundamental human right to survive is at stake. It is where we as a nation commit murder because the only other alternative is to see Americans murdered. Therefore, I believe Vietnam was not a “war”, but an act of barbarism committed by a selfish nation with no respect for human dignity. I believe it requires a good deal of courage to admit this fact and that to admit it is the only true coin by which we can ever repay those remembered here, who died for our country…

…What were the men who survived Vietnam, the commanders who watched their soldiers die, what sort of message were they supposed to give the mothers of the dead? He died with honor for his country, but it was the Vietcong assholes who blew him away, so you see ma’am, it wasn’t my fault…? What am I supposed to tell them? That you didn’t want to die for nothing, for such a worthless war? Is that it?

…As a politician, I intend to attack the idea that patriotism is measured by the size of the defense contract. In other words, I want to dismantle the military-industrial complex. And do you know what I really want? Soldiers whose confidence and pride rests not on fighting a war, but who are confident and proud that they don’t have to.

…Now as you know, my own brother died in Vietnam, as many of you know. I understand the grief of the families of those killed in action and I share it. It is not my intention to disparage the honor of veterans. My campaign has a long-term strategy for U.S. Defense. First, over the next eight years, I will order that all U.S. bases abroad be shut down. Second, and parallel to this order, unless the lives of American citizens and the territory of the United States is itself under threat, it will be the policy of my administration to forego any future U.S. military action.

You would be perfectly correct when you say that the world has become increasingly violent in the aftermath of the cold war. It’s also true that our leadership in world affairs remains of vital importance. In the ten years since the fall of the Soviet Union, the U.S. has become the sole superpower with unsurpassed military strength. But to what purpose? What are we trying to accomplish using the taxes, resources, and sometimes even the lives of the American people? Has our intervention overseas been welcomed or appreciated even if it is in the name of “human rights” or “the war on drugs”?

What we send our servicemen to do is so uncertain that we even give these operations names like “just cause” and “restore peace” as if to reassure ourselves by reading the label. Under my administration, it will be over—our role as the “world’s policeman”, just like the cold war, has ended.

As a soldier in Vietnam, I fought in the battlefields of the cold war and I saw the operation of the machine. War produced good profits back home; while in the jungle in those fields of fire, it produced the greatest sorrow imaginable. What I couldn’t understand then, when I was nineteen, what I can’t understand today, as a grown man, is why it was patriotic to love that hideous machine impersonating my country. I say to the country I love, let us instead commit ourselves to a role in the peace and security of the world that has true meaning for the American dream.

It has been a dream deferred. It was a future Americans fought for, yet we have been denied the just fruits of our victory. I refer not to the cold war, but to another. There has been in recent years a renewed appreciation of the generation of Americans that fought in the Second World War. We often think of it as “the good war”, the last one fought for clean and clear motives, the last one where America defended itself against an attack on its own soil.

In those days of terrible sacrifice, Americans took responsibility, laying plans to ensure that what these soldiers and sailors fought for would be preserved and held in trust. Franklin Delano Roosevelt and his Secretary of State Cordell Hull spoke in 1942 of an “international agency which can, by force if necessary, keep the peace among nations.” Just as we rediscover the heroism of the “greatest generation”, we should remember that their fight was under those principles.

In April of 1945, with victory at hand, our allies came to America to sign the U.N. charter in San Francisco. The headquarters of the United Nations was placed here in New York City. To stand in the D.C., the city of the nation which had dreamed of it, to protect a just and lasting peace, one built on the principles of freedom, or our American Dreams; they were stranded by the tides of circumstance, by the rivalry of the cold war. But that war is over, and so it is time we take responsibility for the peace we promised the world and ourselves nearly sixty years ago.

My administration will work to make the United Nations what our ideals meant it to be, a true collective security organization for a world of freedom, that transcends any need for military nationalism, including our own. What is the use of our strength without the courage to face the unseen? What is the worth of our world power if we do not use it to make a better future? I believe the spirit of this nation lives or dies by such ideals. It is time to see if America is alive or dead.

Kawaguchi, Kaiji. Eagle: The Making of an Asian-American President.
Viz Communications Inc., San Francisco, CA. November 2001

When Osama Bin Laden Died

When Osama Bin Laden died, he was met at the pearly gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try and destroy the nation I helped concieve!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense."

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Madison, and nearly 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

I guess this is how I feel sometimes. Funny picture to me though =P Trying to be such a badass never felt so strange.

Been job hunting lately, its hard to find a job for four to six weeks before I make my move up to Chicago (which can't be soon enough). Its also weird seeing my roomies all leaving. Jon left, Chris practically left, so now its just Mike and I. Plus I've had this place alone for the last couple of days which was nice and quiet.

Oh, if any of you haven't, check out the HBO series Carnivale. Its one of the best shows I've seen in a long time. Set in the thirties depression dust bowl era (what a jumble of words), its a great series.

What else? Nothing is coming to mind right now. I guess I'm in one of those blog funks, not really updating it as often as I should.

Peace

Long time gone

Well, its been a long time since I've updated this. I don't know, sometimes I go on these funks where I just don't feel like sharing anything with anybody, not that I have much of an audience on the blog. It's probably no good, but I'm due for a nice long update anyways with some pics as well. Where should I start? I will just go backwards.

So last night I got to spend the night with Kristin (spelled it right this time) which was nice. More on that in a bit. The Ice Dogs had our final game of the season last night, it was the final game and we ended up playing probably our best game of the season against an excellent goalie. We got a goal in the first thirty seconds and never looked back to a 6-0 win. A lot of our friends were there in the stands to give us support too which was great, the confidence boost is a real plus. Also my first shutout on the ice with these guys so I felt good afterwards, will admit I was thinking about it today. KK was there as well as Jess and Alice, so it was a good time. Before the game we all had burgeres and wieners (hyuk hyuk hyuk) at Kevin's. What a great season, couldn't have come together better any better.

Last week I went up to Chicago to look at apartments. Thursday morning/afternoon I took the bus up to the city and went to see two apartments. The next day I saw three before taking the greyhound back to Urbana at night. It was along day hopping on different trains and busses all over the city, but what an adventure! I was so nervous the night before thinking, "What the hell am I doing, I've never been up there and now I'm going alone AND using mass transit, I'm going to get lost and get stuck, blah blah blah" and then it was amazing. The city is great, very alive, but also very big and hectic. I'm anxious about moving there. Also met the City Year people and they were really great and gave me a lot of confidence about what I'll be doing next year. I doubted myself at first, wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing but now I'm starting to feel a lot better about it. The more I think about it, I think I'm doing the right thing and helping people out in a way that I can.

On to other things.... so around beginning of April I made friends with Kristin at the rink. I will say that after my relationship with Rachel ended I wasn't really actively looking for anybody. I wasn't too happy with things and was trying to figure out my life, get a job, settle down a little bit. I got that, and then just thought that I probably shouldn't start dating anybody because it would just suck for both of us with both me moving to Chicago soon and the semester ending soon.

So yea, that went down the drain =P Not really sure how it happened, but it was very fast (to me it seemed pretty fast). I like it, I think she does too, and its going to suck when we go our separate ways. We'll try and see eachother as often as we can. I just wish I had met her sooner, but then I don't know if I would have been ready to see anybody else with my life where it was. Things are so much better now than they were a few months ago and I think I feel very comfortable with the two of us.

So much going through my head right now, and I don't know what to write down.

NASA Can't Fool Me

Yes folks, the moon landings were faked. Don't believe me? Just click the link. You will be convinced for sure this time.

Cadbury Cake!

Ok, so I know I haven't updated my blog in a long time. A few bits of news, I will be going to Chicago next thursday to check out apartments, spent a lot of time this week apartment "hunting" (with a Dick Cheney stamped and approved shotgun) online. Its tough to find something within my budget.

Wait, did I say multiple bits of news? Hmmm, I did something for the first time the other night. You know you're getting old ;-) when you no longer get a girl's phone number, but rather her facebook name (and AIM name).

So why the picture that I included you ask? Because it is from a hysterical website =) Check it out

http://shmivejournal.livejournal.com/125746.html

Enjoy, I certainly did =)

Peace out y'all

Final update

Sorry about the lateness of the update. I worked a lot the last two days and have been busy doing stuff that needs to be done. Sunday was a pretty wild day, some of what happened that day...

- There were 68 tornado reports for that day
- 20 tornados were reported in Central Illinois, including one near assembly hall
- The death toll is at 26, with most of them in western Tennessee, which got smacked really hard.

Here's some photos from the National Weather Service

































































The damage pictures are too intense to choose just one. The photo of the water tower just shows the awesome strength of nature. Click the link above to get a full glimpse of just what these storms did to these communities, it was pretty bad.

As for where I was that day, I was out with Dave intending to spot the storms, but things got out of hand really quickly. We left Urbana right around when the warm front had passed, and we could feel how muggy the air was and how the wind had shifted direction from before. Our plan was to drive out Decatur, meet Andrew and Mike and meet the storms there. By the way, driving out to Decatur you get to smell the wonderful smell of the ADM plant. As Dave put it, he thought it smelled like buiscits and gravy, while I imagined it being the smell of a single piece of chicken in a deep frier for eight hours straight. Anyways, as we approach Decatur the clouds ahead of us (we're heading west, storms are heading north east aligned NW to SE) were getting darker and more intense.

We pull off interstate 72 and go north to get out of town when we hear a noise. I remember exactly what I said to Dave after he asks, "Do you hear that?" ... "Is somebody blaring their horn at us?"... at which point he rolls down his window and we hear the tornado sirens screaming at the top of their lungs. We look west and there is a huge mass of black cloud with very visible rotation bearing down on Decatur, and we're stuck at a red light. Meanwhile, on the spotter network and weather radio, reports are coming through of a large and dangerous tornado tracking in to right around where we were. Thinking about it now, we should have just said "Fuck it, we're finding shelter", but we decided to jet east as fast as we could. Dave's got the steering wheel, using his cell phone, and monitoring the radios. I'm navigating the country roads and looking at the sky while steering away from any rotating clouds.

We're speeding as fast as we can east, tornado warnings are popping up north and south of us, at our location, the radios are full of chatter. Its pouring like crazy, we definitely got caught in an inflow jet a couple of times which had us worried. At this point we talked to Roger on the phone and told him it was probably a good idea to shut down the ice rink (which was good considering how hard the storms hit Chambana).

We turned north on a country road in Piatt county to continue our trek back to safety and there was a huge tree that had fallen and blocked the road. Dave tried to off road it around the tree but the car wouldn't make it, so we had to back track. As we're finding another route out of there, we run into a smaller tree that had fallen and blocked our route, but this one we were able to get around. By this point the storms had overtaken us, so we got back on the highway and raced back to Champaign.

On our way back we were hearing reports of a tornado near Sadorus, near Homer, and near Southwest Champaign. Sadorus and Champaign lost power right around when each tornado was reported, so we were worried. Another tornado was spotted in Urbana (later confirmed) but did no damage. Parts of the city lost power for up to 13 hours, so it was a pretty bad mess. As we drove back into the city, there was damage ranging from downed power lines, trees, signs, and construction. At one point even, a spotter reported that a massive bolt of lightning (that we had also seen) struck and ignited a tree. Great, just another thing to add to the mess...

Finally, after the worst of it passes, we get back to Dave's house to find that the tree in their front yard fallen on his dad's truck and totally wrecked it. Reports were coming in of more storms developing west of Springfield, but they were just isolated storms and not severe.

What a night, I was pretty scared when we were stuck in Decatur as the sirens went off. Jetting out of there with the lightning and storms all around us was pretty frightening as well. Made me feel very insignificant seeing nature in all its fury around us like that. Usually we have some semblance of control when we are out there, with the ability to position ourselves well and navigate how we want to. But this just happened so fast, the storms overtook us so quickly, and we had no control; we were nature's bitch. I'm not usually afraid of storms, but this was totally different.

I'm glad that nobody got seriously hurt with these storms in the Central Illinois area, however it was a nightmare in Tennessee. Everybody was talking about it the next morning, people were pretty scared in the Chambana area as well.

Good times..... damn....

Nasty, nasty weather

Really nasty weather outbreak across the midwest today and overnight. Four dead confirmed so far across Missouri, Illinois, and Tennessee, which is getting hit really hard right now. Dave and I were out tonight and had a rough time. I'll post more about it tomorrow.

[update] Associated Press reports at least eight dead in Tennessee alone.
[update II] Death toll is up to fourteen, mostly in Tennessee =(

Perfect Day

Ok, so I realize the picture on the left may seem a little strange, and you may wonder how this equates to a perfect day, but I'll explain.

This morning I set my alarm for 10:30, I didn't want to get up too late. I call Dave to see if we were going to play hockey, but due to the condition of his skates, that wasn't going to happen. Instead, he, Andrew, and I went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast where I had biscuits and gravy. Dave on the other hand had three eggs, a thick steak, biscuits and gravy, fried apples, hash browns, and grits. He downed it all, that man is a monster in a sprites body.

From there, I left my rent check with Jon and then went to the humane society of Champaign county. It was a beautiful day outside and I suggested we go walk some dogs, they shouldn't be stuck in cages indoors. The sky was beautiful and clear with puffy white clouds everywhere, and the dogs had a blast being taken outside. I took a collie breed named Lila around the ground for half an hour or so, she was super excited to go outside. Ten minutes after I let her back in, amazingly somebody showed up and adopted her. So she had a great afternoon as well. I love dogs, I miss my dog Tula at home.

From there we drove all around the country side east and southeast of Urbana to enjoy the scenery and get some photography in. During the afternoon a BEAUTIFUL set of storms developed on the Indiana/Illinois border and we found a perfect field to park our cars (Andrew was with us) to watch them just explode in the sky about 10-20 miles away. I found out later in the night that those storms dropped a LOT of hail (64 reports on the SPC page). Dave and Drew probably got some excellent photographs. It was perfectly relaxing, just standing outside on a fence near a cornfield at the base of a nice hill, and looking at the sky with unlimited visibility all around us and massive, towering, billowy storms ahead of us. They were mushrooming up into the sky at an incredibly fast rate; the cloud formations were quite a sight to see.

From there we drove a short distance to Kickapoo State park. After getting some good photographs of the Vermillion river, we stopped to watch about a dozen or so great looking white tailed deer. Of course, Drew decided to chase them down on foot, which was also quite hysterical. We saw a whole lot of great wildlife today including wild turkey, ducks, geese, deer, hawk, and some songbirds.

To finish off the day we went to Sidney to stay at Andrew's place and hang out, play video games, use his drum set, just chill out. His dad made homemade pizza for us (apparently its what he does after he's gone drinking). The first picture is me getting my face licked clean by Matty. Dave happened to take an incriminating looking photograph of me with the dog. She is a very energetic dog, but I thought she was cool.

Otherwise, it was a great day. Go to hang out with my good friends, be outdoors in beautiful weather, see some great scenery and wildlife, eat good food, overall had a good time. Tomorrow and Sunday I have to work but I need the money anyways, so it's A'OK.

A post on another person's blog made me think pretty hard about some stuff. I hope you know who you are if you read this.

I was thinking, why am I doing what I do? At this point in my life, why am I doing what I am? Why should I be doing what I want to do? For myself, or for other people? My parents would have me think that there's two reasons I would do anything with my life right now; to make money, and to make them happy/proud. No way, I am going to do what makes me happy in my life. I want to do something that has a purpose, that achieves something, and if it comes at the expense of money, fine. I hold nothing against people who want to make a lot of money first, its not what I want to do, even if its my parents wishes.

Sure the job I have now is only a step, that's what I need now. Why should I follow a set plan, do what my parents want me to do if it won't make me happy? Graduate high school, get my undergrad degree, go to grad school, get a high paying job, get married, have kids, etc. etc. I just try as hard as I can to do well, be happy, and achieve something that I find fulfilling. Wouldn't it be nice if they appreciated that much?

I was stuck in a rut that last semester of school. Change is good, change is so important. Spontenaity is great, doing the unexpected and feeling good about it is important. Trying hard, even failing at stuff, it feels ... well.. alright if I know that I put everything I had into it. Lastly, doing something with a purpose that I find fulfilling is pretty important to me.

President's Role

Two quotes from the President's speech today in Cleveland (I think) as broadcast on CNN.

***

"But also understand my most important job - the most important job of any president today, and, uh, I predict down the road, is to protect America. And so, uh, I told the American people that we would find the terrorists and bring them to justice and that we need to defeat them overseas so that we didn't need to face them at home."

"I take a practical view of doing the job you want me to do, which is how do we defeat an enemy that still wants to hurt us, and how do we deal with threats before they fully materialize, what do we do to protect us from harm? That's my job, and that job came home on September 11 for me loud and clear. I think about my job of protecting you every day, every single day of the presidency. I'm concerned about the safety of the American people."

***

Two things come to mind when I first see this. First of all, what IS the role of the President of the United States? Is it solely "to protect this country"? The Presidential Oath as written in the Constitution claims:

"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."

There is a great irony in what the President is doing to protect this country and its people from the so claimed vast threat of terrorism. In claiming that it is his job as president, he has repeatedly trampled on our rights as written in the Constitution. A perfect example of this is the warantless wiretapping program. Or how about the various questionable portions of the Patriot Act? This should be disturbing to Americans regardless of political party; a President who abuses his power, openly admits and defends his actions, and then tramples on our constitutional rights based on this "justification". I think our founding fathers are turning over in their graves.

The second thought that comes to mind is the rule through fear. Our President constantly defends his actions through the fear of terrorism. "Its ok for me to do what I'm doing, because if I don't, the terrorists will get us." And because of this fear that's been instilled into us, we've accepted and let slide the numerous violations of our rights by this government. What's worse is that those that dare speak out against this, like Russ Feingold and his censure resoluation, are called not only unpatriotic but "borderline treasonous" by their colleagues. What have we come to that those who dare question the powerful are called traitors?

Two quotes come to mind from the famous Edward R. Murrow, who was as great a patriot as we have seen in this century.

"We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. We must remember always that accusation is not proof and that conviction depends upon evidence and due process of law. We will not walk in fear, one of another. We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason, if we dig deep in our history and our doctrine, and remember that we are not descended from fearful men— not from men who feared to write, to speak, to associate and to defend causes that were, for the moment, unpopular....We proclaim ourselves, as indeed we are, the defenders of freedom, wherever it continues to exist in the world, but we cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home."

and...

"If we confuse dissent with disloyalty— if we deny the right of the individual to be wrong, unpopular, eccentric or unorthodox— if we deny the essence of racial equality then hundreds of millions in Asia and Africa who are shopping about for a new allegiance will conclude that we are concerned to defend a myth and our present privileged status. Every act that denies or limits the freedom of the individual in this country costs us the ... confidence of men and women who aspire to that freedom and independence of which we speak and for which our ancestors fought."

Considering these were from the fifties and during the time where fear of communism ruled, its amazing how relevant they are today.

Redemption

Well I was offered a position at City Year. I'm pretty sure I would like this job and will accept the offer. Its a bit of redemption from the last two months. Lets recap shall we...

- Parents throw a shitstorm because I graduated
- My girlfriend of 18 months dumps me over the phone and doesn't talk to me again
- I get a concussion at work and embarass myself infront of the enitre crowd
- I lose my best friend of many years

I can't begin to describe the relief I felt when I heard this yesterday. I just wanted to shove this in my parents face and tell them, "Look you cocksuckers, I can do something, I can do this and I'm not going to fuck it up."

Next step, find a place to live and start moving my life to Chicago.

Great Concert

I went to a really great concert tonight at the Krannert center, it was my first time in the Great Hall. All I have to say is that the acoustics are AMAZING.

The program

Commando March (1943) - Samuel Barber
Tulsa (1957) - Don Gillis
Epinicion (1975) - John Paulson
The Hounds of Spring (1980) - Alfred Reed

Performed by UI Concert Band I

Day of the Dragon - Peter Graham
Hymns of Praise - Goff Richards

Performed by UI British Brass Band

Tunbridge Fair (1950) - Walter Piston
Dionysiaques, Op. 62 (1913) - Florent Schmitt

My two favorite songs had to be Tulsa and Dionysiaques. Not often do songs to this to me, but at one point in each song I could feel it in my body. Does that make sense? I could almost feel it resonating through my body, starting at the top of my back and working its way down to my feet. Sort of like an electric impulse. I'm not on drugs or anything, the songs were just that good. Plus I love live orchestral type music.

Frederick the Owl

This is Frederick. Last night he decided to make his temporary home in our rafters. He was there for about six hours (I think). A beautiful bird, the picture doesn't do it justice.

I've never seen an owl like this in the city, only out in the woods or while camping. It is a screech owl, cousin to the barn owl. Eats small rodents and insects. That look on its face though, is very piercing.

He's back tonight and perching up there once again, my guess it that he's staying up there to stay warm. With all the apartments there's plenty of heat in the building.

Props to Jon

I saw this in his away message and I really liked it...

***

"What is it you said to the kid? The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very rough, mean place. And no matter how tough you think you are, it'll always bring you to your knees and keep you there permanently....if you let it. You or nobody, ain't never gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. If you know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth, but you gotta be willin' to take the hit."

***

Those couldn't be truer words

Sorry Blog!

So yea, I kind of neglected my blog for a bit. I guess life's just been sort of ordinary the last week, lots of work at the rink, tutoring on occasion, working out every day, cooked some food, and thought about life. Despite the ice storm today, I'm looking forward to the possibility of some thunderstorms next week as well as temperatures in the sixties. Ben called me today and we talked for an hour, its been almost a year since I last talked to him.

Uhhhh, so yea. I'll post more when I have deeper thoughts. Honestly, none too much lately. I'd really like to know whether or not I got this City Year job, starting to get antsy about it.

Wow

This was just too good to pass up, it was from a conversation I had with a friend of mine. He's at West Point, just for some context...

hoit341: man...i keep passing out here on my computer
TBar220: what you do tonight?
hoit341: i hate sleep....i hate that that could keep me from accomplishing things....

Wow.....

Mmmmmmm, chili

I made a delicious white bean, chicken, jalapeno chili tonight and had cornbread on the side. With an ice cold beer (well, a malt, but I wished it was a beer) it was a perfect dinner.

I've been so busy the last couple of days. Worked all day friday, saturday, and sunday. Worked yesterday and had a good time at Emily's bday party. I hope the boxes and walls went well, we worked pretty hard on it, they did a LOT.

I wonder, was what I did to Rachel so bad? I also wonder, she brought it up. Is it fair to have brought it up, then say I won't like it, and then ask to keep it from me? Is that honest? Is that fair? How can you do something like that in a relationship? I don't think I would stand that from my friends. I need people to be straight forward with me. Maybe it wasn't fair what I did to her, but I am thinking more and more that if there was a better "nicer" way to do it, I would have made her tell me. Simply because she brought it up, even if subconciously she wanted to tell me and that was how it came up in the first place.

I don't like how it happened, I don't like how it ended. I only wish she were comfortable telling me this, and if we'd sat down and talked about this perhaps it wouldn't have ended so painfully. I wish our relationship, after 18 months, would have gotten to the point where we wouldn't need to hold secrets from eachother. Where we could be open with eachother about stuff no matter how uncomfortable we are with it.

Gawd, its all so stupid. I miss talking to her, just the jolly "candor" (can't think of a better word, that's why I'm not a writer) that we used to have. The easy going conversation and teasing and joking around. Now its an IM if I'm lucky and an email if I'm super lucky. Oh well...

I wonder what it meant, am I making too much out of it? Should I be, or am I misunderstanding it? I wish I knew.

Some thoughts

So did my relationship keep me down? Is that a horrible thought? I'll explain. I thought about this walking over to the cosmo house tonight. I had problems in my life and stuff that I didn't have figured out. Yet I always had a safety net (thank God for it) in Rachel. If I had a major problem with my parents she would be there for me. If I would be majorly stressed out because of school, she would be there for me. If I had anything bad happen, or if I was extremely stressed out, I always knew she was there to help me out and just listen to me. Boy did I need it, especially this last semester.

And yet, at the same time, I think it was time for me to figure out these problems, sort them out, and figure out these things on my own. Its not fair to rely on somebody else for emotional support, some of it has to come from within and in the last month it finally has. I loved her for giving it to me, it was just time to finally confront these issues. It was even time to fail, to understand and feel what it was like to fail. Also, time to understand that it was ok to fail at something, that it was just part of the experience of living. How was am I supposed to know what an emotional high is like when I've never hit rock bottom?

The last two months have been trying. I had to deal with the shit from my family, I had to deal with the break up, I had to deal with a painful concussion, and I had to deal to adjusting to life after being a student. I think dealing with it and coping with it and understanding it has made me so much of a stronger person. Cliche time anyone? It was an emotional rollercoaster, but I'm doing ok. I think I'm going to end up all right, I'm starting to be real happy with the decisions I'm making and proud of what I stand for. I can't say I regret too much of what I've done in the last four years, its made me what I am now. It made me what I am now.

She also made me what I am now, taught me so much. Taught me how to love unconditionaly, how to deal with my problems, how to be open minded and trusting. She was kind and caring for me. Was it time for me to move on as well? A year and a half of my life with her, I'm too young to get married. I was so afraid to bring that topic up, but its probably better as I'm not mature enough for it yet. Once I get my life straightened up and my priorities understood, maybe things will be different.

What a bunch of thoughts, it makes sense to me =P

Update

I found my phone, it was in Roger's car just like I figured.

I talked to my sister on the phone. She's been sick a lot lately, with basically a perpetual cold the last six months. My older dad is having prostate problems and is worried he might have cancer. My grandma just had surgery for cancer in Israel. What a string of luck...

Oh good lord, I think I'm going to shit myself. I may have lost my cell phone, and that is my only mean of communication right now (outside the internet). I called the gym and they didn't have one turned in, I looked outside and couldn't find anything, I called Roger and hopefully he finds it in his car. Oh geez, if I don't find it I'll be pretty pissed.