Uncontrolled Emotions

Today on the train I was reading Alan Alda's autobiography "Never Have Your Dog Stuffed". There was a story in there where his parents sent him to military boarding school at age seven. During his stay there, they sent him not one, but TWO balls to play with. The other boys having noticed this, took one of them and then tried to take the second one by force. Suddenly, little Alan, who never got into a fight in his life or even hit somebody violently, found himself so upset and so full of rage that these older kids were trying to bully him. Next thing he knows he's on top of this kid punching him all over.

He recalls how he never knew that he had such emotions in him and he didn't know what brought it up. Was it the stress of boarding school? Did the bully bring it out? What combination of stuff got him to react like that? Or was it just human nature, the instinct to defend oneself?

This got me thinking about stuff that I do and ways that I behave. Sometimes I act and behave in ways that I am ashamed of, but I don't do it on purpose. I may distrust somebody, I might say something that hurts another person, or when frustrated I may lash out in anger. The last thing goes against what I stand for, its not me. So why do I do it? Why is that sometimes a way I react to stress and frustration? I don't know if its a fair thing to say because it ends up sounding like I'm making excuses for the way I act. But is also sensible to say that I can control my emotions 100%?

I don't like how I sometimes react to situations. I conciously try to treat people with kindness and respect even if they don't return it to me. And yet I find myself acting stupid, being mean, letting anger control my actions. The worst part about it is that I only find this out after the fact and by then the damage is done. So I guess I have to keep telling myself to be concious about how I act and how I treat people.

My mother always used to tell me, "Think before you open your mouth." On one hand this was really good advice and helped me to avoid saying both stupid and hurtful things. On the other hand, this often held me back from just saying what I felt and being honest, as well as taking risks. It is tough to find a good balance, as well as being in complete concious control of ones self.

Maybe that's what enlightenment/nirvana is. The ability to be in complete control of one's self and the actions that one does. Therefore, with that complete control, you are one hundred percent responsible for the reality that you create around you through your actions. I clearly have not reached that sort of point of personal responsibility since I still find myself acting on undiscovered emotions and instincts, those which I am slowly growing to understand.

I wish I could figure it out sooner and quicker, yet I have to be patient and let growth occur through experience. I hate how people I have relationships with suffer when I do mean things, and I love how they have the capacity to forgive and understand. I suppose that its all just part of human nature.

Ok.... rambling done.