Mmmmmmm, chili

I made a delicious white bean, chicken, jalapeno chili tonight and had cornbread on the side. With an ice cold beer (well, a malt, but I wished it was a beer) it was a perfect dinner.

I've been so busy the last couple of days. Worked all day friday, saturday, and sunday. Worked yesterday and had a good time at Emily's bday party. I hope the boxes and walls went well, we worked pretty hard on it, they did a LOT.

I wonder, was what I did to Rachel so bad? I also wonder, she brought it up. Is it fair to have brought it up, then say I won't like it, and then ask to keep it from me? Is that honest? Is that fair? How can you do something like that in a relationship? I don't think I would stand that from my friends. I need people to be straight forward with me. Maybe it wasn't fair what I did to her, but I am thinking more and more that if there was a better "nicer" way to do it, I would have made her tell me. Simply because she brought it up, even if subconciously she wanted to tell me and that was how it came up in the first place.

I don't like how it happened, I don't like how it ended. I only wish she were comfortable telling me this, and if we'd sat down and talked about this perhaps it wouldn't have ended so painfully. I wish our relationship, after 18 months, would have gotten to the point where we wouldn't need to hold secrets from eachother. Where we could be open with eachother about stuff no matter how uncomfortable we are with it.

Gawd, its all so stupid. I miss talking to her, just the jolly "candor" (can't think of a better word, that's why I'm not a writer) that we used to have. The easy going conversation and teasing and joking around. Now its an IM if I'm lucky and an email if I'm super lucky. Oh well...