Mmmmmmm, chili

I made a delicious white bean, chicken, jalapeno chili tonight and had cornbread on the side. With an ice cold beer (well, a malt, but I wished it was a beer) it was a perfect dinner.

I've been so busy the last couple of days. Worked all day friday, saturday, and sunday. Worked yesterday and had a good time at Emily's bday party. I hope the boxes and walls went well, we worked pretty hard on it, they did a LOT.

I wonder, was what I did to Rachel so bad? I also wonder, she brought it up. Is it fair to have brought it up, then say I won't like it, and then ask to keep it from me? Is that honest? Is that fair? How can you do something like that in a relationship? I don't think I would stand that from my friends. I need people to be straight forward with me. Maybe it wasn't fair what I did to her, but I am thinking more and more that if there was a better "nicer" way to do it, I would have made her tell me. Simply because she brought it up, even if subconciously she wanted to tell me and that was how it came up in the first place.

I don't like how it happened, I don't like how it ended. I only wish she were comfortable telling me this, and if we'd sat down and talked about this perhaps it wouldn't have ended so painfully. I wish our relationship, after 18 months, would have gotten to the point where we wouldn't need to hold secrets from eachother. Where we could be open with eachother about stuff no matter how uncomfortable we are with it.

Gawd, its all so stupid. I miss talking to her, just the jolly "candor" (can't think of a better word, that's why I'm not a writer) that we used to have. The easy going conversation and teasing and joking around. Now its an IM if I'm lucky and an email if I'm super lucky. Oh well...

I wonder what it meant, am I making too much out of it? Should I be, or am I misunderstanding it? I wish I knew.

Some thoughts

So did my relationship keep me down? Is that a horrible thought? I'll explain. I thought about this walking over to the cosmo house tonight. I had problems in my life and stuff that I didn't have figured out. Yet I always had a safety net (thank God for it) in Rachel. If I had a major problem with my parents she would be there for me. If I would be majorly stressed out because of school, she would be there for me. If I had anything bad happen, or if I was extremely stressed out, I always knew she was there to help me out and just listen to me. Boy did I need it, especially this last semester.

And yet, at the same time, I think it was time for me to figure out these problems, sort them out, and figure out these things on my own. Its not fair to rely on somebody else for emotional support, some of it has to come from within and in the last month it finally has. I loved her for giving it to me, it was just time to finally confront these issues. It was even time to fail, to understand and feel what it was like to fail. Also, time to understand that it was ok to fail at something, that it was just part of the experience of living. How was am I supposed to know what an emotional high is like when I've never hit rock bottom?

The last two months have been trying. I had to deal with the shit from my family, I had to deal with the break up, I had to deal with a painful concussion, and I had to deal to adjusting to life after being a student. I think dealing with it and coping with it and understanding it has made me so much of a stronger person. Cliche time anyone? It was an emotional rollercoaster, but I'm doing ok. I think I'm going to end up all right, I'm starting to be real happy with the decisions I'm making and proud of what I stand for. I can't say I regret too much of what I've done in the last four years, its made me what I am now. It made me what I am now.

She also made me what I am now, taught me so much. Taught me how to love unconditionaly, how to deal with my problems, how to be open minded and trusting. She was kind and caring for me. Was it time for me to move on as well? A year and a half of my life with her, I'm too young to get married. I was so afraid to bring that topic up, but its probably better as I'm not mature enough for it yet. Once I get my life straightened up and my priorities understood, maybe things will be different.

What a bunch of thoughts, it makes sense to me =P

Update

I found my phone, it was in Roger's car just like I figured.

I talked to my sister on the phone. She's been sick a lot lately, with basically a perpetual cold the last six months. My older dad is having prostate problems and is worried he might have cancer. My grandma just had surgery for cancer in Israel. What a string of luck...

Oh good lord, I think I'm going to shit myself. I may have lost my cell phone, and that is my only mean of communication right now (outside the internet). I called the gym and they didn't have one turned in, I looked outside and couldn't find anything, I called Roger and hopefully he finds it in his car. Oh geez, if I don't find it I'll be pretty pissed.

Am I a man?

So am I? I don't even know what it means. I was told that when I turn thirteen and when after I'm Bar Mitzvah'd, I'd become a man. Well how can a ceremony, which I didn't really understand anyways, have signified my transition to manhood, especially at the age of thirteen? How is something that was forced upon me for that matter signal that? Shouldn't becoming a man be something individually?

Walking back from work, I heard that Jason Mraz song (previous post) on my iPod. I think that maybe being a man is being many things. Its being solely responsible for myself. Its being proud of what I do, proud of who I am, and proud of what I stand for. Its being proud of the things I've done in the past, even if others don't. Its having had bad things happen to me, survived them, and come out stronger on the other side. Being a man is all about understanding how to be a decent human being.

I've had some really tough last two months, they've been mentally exhausting. I've had very little support from my parents (except helping me pay rent). I've lost my closest friend. I've been working a lot, picking up a second job. I had to rething everything in my life, what I really want and what I want to do with it. I even got a concussion to top it off. But I'm starting to come out of it, and I feel so much stronger. I feel like I can take anything now. Sometimes I feel so alone, and yet I have to be strong despite this. I finally am starting to make my own decisions and being proud of them. I'm finally able to make mistakes, I'm able to fail and have shortcomings, and its ok. I'm finally able to fully experience life for what it has to offer, and it feels both great and terrible at the same time.

I finally am starting to feel like a man. It makes me want to cry.

The Boy's Gone

The boy's gone. The boy's gone home.

What will happen to a face in the crowd when it finally gets too crowded.
And will happen to the origin of sound after all the sounds have sounded
Well I hope I never have to see that day but by God I know its headed our way
But I better be happy now that the boy's going home. The boy's gone home.

And what becomes of a day for those who rage against it
And who will sum up the phrase for all left standing around it.

Well I suppose we'll all make our judgement call
We'll walk it alone, stand up tall, then march to the fall
So we better be happy now that we'll all go home.

Be so happy with the way you are
Be so happy that you made it this far
Go on be happy now. Please be happy now

Because this is something else
this is something else

I tried to live my life and live it well
But when it's all over is it heaven or hell
I better be happy now that no one can tell, nobody knows
I'm gonna be happy with the way I am
I'm gonna be happy with all that I stand for
I'm gonna be happy now because the boy's going home

The boy's gone home

Finally

I have much more energy today. Let me work backwards because that's the only way I can remember.

So my friends were super cool, they threw a surprise party for me. Crystal baked a cake for me in the shape of a duck, it was delicious. They got me all sorts of cool stuff and we all had a cooked dinner together. I helped make the spring rolls, full of cabbage and carrots and garlic. Very delicious. Kate gave me a DVD entitled Jesus, we were cracking up at that. Justin got me a bottle of garlic olive oil. Good times.

Before that I worked at the free skate. There were three kids who came up to me (total ADD whackos =P) and say, "Hey, we have a play we want to show you, its called Asthma Attack." Then the middle kid starts pretending he has an asthma attack, starts flailing and pounding on the wall, then does the same on the ice and his two buddies are freaking out ... and it was HYSTERICAL. I probably shouldn't have goaded them on, but it was hilarious.

The worst part about work today, a lady got a serious concussion. The paramedics had to be called and she had to be carted off the ice. She was probably in her fifties, she was feeling sick, had the chills, looked glazed, couldn't even remember her name. Even dry heaved a couple times. Waiting for the paramedics felt like FOREVER. We were really worried about her, but the paramedics were real good and took care of her. I my alarm too for work, woke up half an hour before I had to be there, managed to get there five minutes early, but I walked really fast. And its been fucking cold the last two days, the high hasn't been above the teens, not to mention the biting wind.

So what happened last night that i was so tired? Well I worked until 10 p.m., got to see the synchronized skating exhibition which was awesome. The figure skaters before were very good, Michael was awesome, landed four triples (that's what Tori told me at work today, I didn't notice all four). After work, I played hockey until about 11:45, which was soooo much fun. Then I stuck around with Dave and Alice and we kept eachother company then helped close up the rink. However, Dave left his keys in the rink so after walkign Alice home we waited around for Nick to stop banging his girlfriend on the inside (j/k) to open the door for us. Didn't get home and out of the shower until 3:00, got to bed by 3:30.

I would have gone to sleep earlier, but soaked in the tub for a long time with my thoughts. The shower and tub is where I can think clearly, maybe its the warm water, maybe its the quiet, I don't know. Ended up just having a whole flood of memories come back to me, almost started crying. I miss my friend, a lot, it was weird since I haven't talked to her in such a long time and now I really miss her. I feel lonely now, even though I'm surrounded by friends. The people I love aren't around and the people I want to love me dont.

It feels good to be excercising and working out. I think my body is just a vessel for my spirit. Its all just energy, there's hardly anything concrete about my body. Yet I feel that it reflects my spirit and if it is healthy, it can keep me healthy on the inside. I'm not trying to beef up and become "buff and manly", I want to be healthy and strong.

I wish I could remember more about what I wanted to write, but I don't. Oh well, go figure? There was so much I wanted to say.

Sleepyhead

I wanted to write, but I almost fell asleep in the bath. I promise I'll write more tomorrow... or technically later today. I'm exhausted.

Boy am I sore today. I went and worked out with Roger yesterday and my arms are killing me. I think I'm going to get a membership at that gym, that would be a lot of fun and I will feel great to get back into some decent shape again. I weighed myself there and I was 134 lbs. I wonder if I should have a goal to get weight wise, or if that is just pointless since my weight fluctuates so much anyways.

Last night after the women's hockey game (they won 1-0, Courtney had a hell of a game, and I got to sit with two cute girls which made the game all that much better =P), we went to Roger's house and just chilled, drank, played darts, talked. It was a great time, and I didn't even drink that much, two beers over the course of four hours. Was exhausted this morning thoug because I went to bed at 4 a.m. Oh well, it was worth it, I needed the downtime as I've been super busy since wednesday.

Tonight will be fun, first the women's synchro exhibition, free skate, then hockey. I'll be wiped but all I have tomorrow is work in the afternoon. I hope that I can get my essay done by monday as I want to get that application in real soon.

Not much else going on right now, if anything exciting happens, I guess I'll write more.

Why do women give birth?

Jon just waltzed into my room and asked me, "Why do women give birth? Because it hurts, and they deserve it."

Hackers and Viruses

I just read an article on Yahoo that talked about hackers and their attempts to attack Mac operating systems. It got me thinking, why do people hack? The only motive I can understand is to steal programming, to steal language for their own use. Perhaps even secretly sponsored corporate hacking, but that would be pretty damn hard to keep under wraps.

What about hackers that create viruses? The create worms and trojan horses? What is their motive? Pure destruction? I know Steve would probably dislike how I'm throwing around the word hacker, but I can't think of another word now. There's a lot of idiots out there who are creating viruses and destructive measures to go after our operating systems. But WHY? I just can't believe that its purely for destructive purposes, are there that many people out there who want to destroy the stuff on my hard drive? To destroy my files, to wreak havoc on my operating systems?

Perhaps its something greater, something more sinister? For example, what if it was the very virus scanning companies like McCaffee and Norton who hire people to create these viruses, because without them, they wouldn't have much business.

Or perhaps its something even bigger, something technological, beyond a level that I cannot even grasp. I just don't like the idea that people out there just do it for the sake of destruction and causing havoc.

More Essays!

Gwar, I still have to write an essay for the AmericCorps application. I also started working on the application for Boys Hope Girls Hope, which requires... FOUR essays. Shorter, but still more writing. Fun... fun... fun...

Title? Bah

So Jon and I have decided that for Emily's birthday dinner party on the 27th (I think) we will have a date. He tries to invite a girl to come over and same with me. I don't know if I'm up for that.

Before I forget

I have to write these down before they slip away from my conciousness. I just had two very strange dreams last night. The first: My little sister was an olympic figure skater and she skated and did an amazing job. She placed sixth and felt horrible about it! I had to keep telling her, "Sixth place is amazing, you're the sixth best skater in the whole damn world." She wouldn't stop crying, I tried so hard to make her feel better. Then she tells me she can't tell Ima and Aba because they'll be mad at her. That's all I remember from that one.

The second: I was William H. Macy in this dream, but it was still me. It was just like the William H. Macy video game skin. I was at home with my older sis, home was this big country mansion. We were bored so we decided to explore the house for hidden passages, and lo and behold I found a hidden passage behind a small bookshelf. There was nothing strange behind it, it was just more rooms and hallways, but it was OLD. Everything, the furniture, the wallpaper, the carpeting, looked like it was from the early early 1900's. There was loads of old stuff in the closets, ranging from old letters to stamp collections, old clothes, records, etc. Here's the kicker, I found a large set of old Nintendo games. Finally I found what I just assumed was my granda's old room, with the most ancient looking furniture. Everything back here was covered in the thickest layer of dust. Just to show how cool (and realistic) dreams can be, as I was touching everything I remember the feeling of the dust on my fingertips, the smell of the dust in the air, it was so real and so vivid. When I woke up this morning, it took me a good 30 seconds to shake that feeling.

What a weird V-Day

What a day. What a Valentine's Day. If you're single, you're bitter about it, and if you're not single, you're just stressed out trying to figure what to do that won't get you dumped. Woke up early to do the early shift today, worked until 1:15 so that wasn't too bad. And somebody brought homemade chocolate chip cookies and valentines day candy, so I filled up on that deliciousness.

Afterwards I went to the Quad and listened to some stuff that the Muslim student association had to say about the Danish cartoon problem. More on that a little later on. I get home, play a little Battlefront II with Jon, and filled out another application. I have to do an essay for this one too, maximum of 4000 words! I dont' know what they expect, that will be done tomorrow.

Then out of the blue I get a letter from my ex-girlfriend. I can't even think of the last time we talked, was it some time that I was home? I think we ate thanksgiving pies together, so it must have been over a year ago. That was a damn long time ago. The funny thing was, the night that Rachel broke up with me I dreamt about Liz. How's that for my brain being sarcastic? I wrote her back and hope she responds, I'll find out soon enough.

I'll write more about my thoughts on the Danish cartoon thing later, I don't feel like it right now.

Some thoughts

I wish I was an author, or an artist of some sort. When I read books, listen to music, see art, I feel like they are conveying my thoughts exactly and I only wish I could write with such eloquence or express my thoughts with such clarity.

***

"What was it inside me that turned pursuit and clutching into love, and then turned it inside out again? What was it that had turned winning into losing, and losing-who knows-into winning? I was sure I had lover her, and I knew that it would be a long while before I made love to anyone the way I had made love to her. With anyone else, could I summon up such a passion? Whatever spawned my love for her, had that spawned such lust too? If she had only been slightly not her... but then would I have loved her? I looked hard at the image of me, at that darkening of the glass, and then my gaze pushed through it, over the cool floor, to a broken wall of books, imperfectly shelved." - Phillip Roth, Goodbye Columbus

***

I haven't told anybody in my family for fear that they'll just take it as another faillure of mine. They never offer the emotional support I need anyways, but are always quick to stab home the criticism, the worry, and the fear. Thank God my roommates are so good. I'm not over it yet either, I hope it doesn't take too long.

Underwear

What Your Underwear Says About You

You like to think of yourself as innocent, even though you're not! You are childlike (or childish), and prone to run around in your underwear.

The Underwear Oracle

Holy crap

Second post in one day, what's coming over me? Sitting here listening to the Eagles and trying desperately to finish this last essay, can't for the life of me figure out how to conclude it without sounding tacky and cliche.

I was thinking about what happened at work the other day, it bothered me so much. Those guys were being such assholes, and I just didn't want to confront them. When I did have to kick them out, I was really pissed off and when they started arguing back, I didn't know what to do (thank god for dave saving my ass). Finally, seeing that girl get hurt the way she did made me feel bad, its not as if I did it. Why should I feel bad? I guess cause just last week I cracked my head on the ice and I know how much pain she was in and how much pain she was going to be in. My first reaction was just hopelessness, I wanna help this girl out but how? Ask her, "how do you feel?" while holding a fucking first aid kit.... yea.... At least the paramedics know how to deal with this. God, if I ever have to perform CPR on somebody I hope I do it without panicking.

Anyways, I almost broke down that night, fuckin eh.

I should swear less.

This is weird

This is very strange. I don't know how to feel now, I think positively and try not to let it get me down. The hardest part is accepting that somebody who I've spent my life with for the last year and a half is basically now gone. No more talking every night, no more seeing eachother, no more comforting, nothing. Talk all of twice or three times in the last three weeks, its just weird. Can I say I miss her? Is that ok?

To make matters worse, I've been dreaming about her. I read before I go to bed so that I don't have to think about things, but when I go to sleep it all comes out. I have been trying to take as many shifts as I can so I can be with my friends at the rink even if it is work. I might even start working out... Then my brain decides to fuck with me at night and make me dream.

Last night I dreamt; First was about aliens invading earth, but somehow as humans we found that if we all boarded airplanes and got in the air that we wouldn't be exterminated. Then the second part was "later" after the alien invasion, Rachel and I comforted eachother in "exile" while trying to avoid the aliens, and just that alone was really nice.

Then I woke up, stupid fucking head.

Theodore Roosevelt

"To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile but is morally treasonable to the American public" -Theodore Roosevelt

Fix You

When you try your best and don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Wouldn't it be nice?

"Wouldn't it be nice not to have to go back?

Wouldn't it be nice someday to live in the country with somebody you really liked?

Wouldn't it be nice just to get up all full or energy when it got light and go to sleep dog-tired when it got dark?

Wouldn't it be nice to have a lot of responisbilities and just go around doing them all day and not even realize they were responsibilities?

Woudln't it be nice to just not think about yourself for whole days, weeks, months at a stretch?

To wear old clothes and no makeup and not to have to come on tough all the time?"

- Phillip Roth, "Portnoy's Complaint"